Here is the latest Coffee & Pearls:
Scroll down to read it as a blog post!
At the end of December, I launched the Catholics Crush Goals course. It was amazing! More than 300 people joined the program and so many wonderful conversations came out of it. I was really transparent with people about my goal setting process and my own personal goals for 2018. I had 8 main goals and smack dab in the middle was Goal #4: Don’t Get Pregnant! I even created a slogan for this goal: This is my baby-free year!
I had such big plans for the year and I was filled with joy as I shared them with my students!
Then last week, I got a positive pregnancy test. I’m not gonna lie, it was a huge blow. I was pretty devastated. I know, I know, a baby is always a blessing and this baby will be! I will love this baby with all my heart. But it’s okay to despair in the meantime and to wonder, “Why Lord?”
I quickly looked back and my chart to see what happened. It was totally my fault. I had been gluten and sugar-free for the weeks leading up to Christmas. Then for Christmas we ate ALL THE FOOD for four days straight. It wreaked havoc on my body and the bathroom situations weren’t exactly shiny and bright. Amidst all that, I thought I ovulated late but I must have ovulated and had my signs get swept up with the other things that were coming out of me and I didn’t catch it.
It doesn’t really matter. Here we are. I’m pregnant. My baby is due at the beginning of September. I usually go a little early so this baby and my last baby will be 13 months part.
The truth is, the other three times I’ve gotten pregnant this early have ended in miscarriage so it’s more likely than not that we won’t get to hold this sweet baby. But you can’t plan on that, so my heart is looking forward to September and planning accordingly.
So here’s what is going to change for me. I’m going to set down some big dreams I had for 2018. I’m going to try and let go of my bad body image and accept that God must love plumpy me for now since that seems to be the state I’m going to remain. I’m going to embrace not knowing what the future holds and to live each day simply… while also freezer cooking food before I start throwing up.
These are the books I’m going to be reading in the next few weeks:
If you have any other recommendation, I’m all ears!
So here’s what I have to say about being dealt some difficult news. And this is difficult news. It will either end in a miscarriage or having two babies thirteen months apart both of which will be hard for my mama heart.
But here’s what I know. I am strong. I can handle difficult things.
The pain of something, or your ability to live through that pain doesn’t change just because you know it’s coming. It shouldn’t be more scary. We are all capable of living with pain and in fact, God gives us precisely enough grace to survive. The fact that you’re reading this means that God has gotten you through all your pain 100% successfully so far.
Presently, my biggest pain is the waiting. I don’t know what feelings to process so I’m not really processing any. It doesn’t make sense to be sad before I’ve had a miscarriage and I feel too guarded to be excited about a baby that I might not get to hold. So I’m living in the in between and it’s painful.
Here are the five things I’m going to do to spend this next six weeks waiting to know God’s plan for us:
- Go to Adoration more. I’m going to try and go anytime I have a spare 30 minutes that I can sneak away. My husband’s work schedule has been crazy lately so it may not be that often but I’m going to actively be trying to find this extra time.
- Read. Reading helps me process and helps me point my heart toward God instead of toward my selfish nature or what the world tells me to want. I listed the books above that I plan on reading.
- Speak. I’ll keep recording Coffee & Pearls and putting out classes for Rekindle, Catholics Crush Goals and Catholic Minimalism. It helps me to help others. I feel a brightness in my soul when we come together to grapple with the struggles of this world.
- Cry. I’m going to let myself cry whenever I feel like it. I will cry happy tears, sad tears, tears of submission, and probably a category of tears I’ve never cried before. I will do this without judgement and just let them fall.
- Pray. I will continue to pray even if I feel nothing, especially if I feel nothing. We pray out of obedience because God created us to love Him. Prayer satisfies my soul even if I can’t feel that in my human flesh. We are a people of obedience and we must never stop praying. The Lord giveth and he taketh away. Praise be the name of the Lord.
Please pray for me. I’ll be praying for all of you, especially anyone who is in darkness or who feels like they are struggling. The Lord is great and generous even if we do not presently understand how.
I will leave you these words from Teresa of Avila:
We can only learn to know ourselves and do what we can – namely, surrender our will and fulfill God’s will in us.