episode 22 final

Here is the latest Coffee & Pearls Podcast:

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Today I want to talk about feeling unworthy.  In this last week I’ve been working on a few projects and I have had this sinking feeling that I am not worthy to write them.  This feeling is paralyzing.  I keep asking myself, “What do I know about this?  How can I teach people when I am such a sinner? How can I lead people if I keep stumbling myself?”

These feelings, these thoughts in my mind, they have been ferocious lately.  I feel like I am sitting in the dark, by myself and that I can’t see God’s true goodness all around me.

And I know this is a lie because just before this darkness I was feeling bathed in the light.  I was so grateful and thankful for my family, for my faith, for this great world God has given to me.  Nothing about my situation changed except that I now feel like a shadow has come over me.

I really like these two images.  They both say something similar and they both capture the idea I try to hold onto when I’m feeling lonely and covered in darkness.

woman with crown

girl with crown

 

I am the daughter of a King.  I am most loved by God.  God loves me more than my little mind could even imagine.  Even after becoming a mother, you’d think I’d have an idea of how much God loves me.  And I’m sure now that I am a parent, I have a better of this selfless love God has for me, but I’m sure it’s still just a fraction of how much He really loves me.

He loves me.

And He loves you.  Let that sink in for a moment.  This creator of the universe, who is all knowing, all loving, He loves you.  He is with you, right now.  He has all the time in the world and at this moment, He’s giving you His full attention.  Talk to Him.

Tell Him how you’re feeling.  Tell him about the darkness.  Tell him that you feel unworthy.  Ask for His love.  When my husband comes home from work and my daughters yell, “Daddy is home,” and they rush to give him a hug, I see the look on his face.  He is filled with joy that these little girls are so excited to see him.  That is how God is.  He is always filled with joy when we come running to Him.

Don’t let the world or the devil make you feel unworthy of your great father.

I know these things and I’ve still been struggling this week!  These negative thoughts in my mind, these are not messages from God.  I know that.  God would never admonish us in such a way.  Sure, He sees our sinfulness and it makes Him sad.  He’s disappointed when we choose the world over Him but He always has hope for us.  He is always in our corner.  He is always cheering us on and believing that we can do it!

In last week’s gospel reading, Jesus looks at the adulterous woman and instead of berating her for what she has done, He says, “Go and sin no more.”  Adultery is a pretty grave sin.  There is no accidentally stumbling into that sin.  And if Jesus can look at her and say, very plainly, go and sin no more than He knows she has the capability of doing this.

He believes in us.  He wants us to succeed.  He wants us to choose Him over the world.  We get the opportunity to do this over and over again throughout our day.

I’m still not sure what’s going on with me.  Maybe it’s Lent.  Maybe it’s spiritual attacks trying to prevent me from completing my Catholic projects.  But no matter what is going on, I know it’s not God.  God may be allowing this darkness to happen to me but He is not causing it.

He is still in my corner.  He still believes in me.  He still wants me to choose Him over the world and to spend eternity with Him in Heaven.

I want to share some scripture from Romans, Chapter 5.

5 Therefore, since we are justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have obtained access to this grace in which we stand; and we boast in our hope of sharing the glory of God. 3 And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us.

6 For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Indeed, rarely will anyone die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person someone might actually dare to die. 8 But God proves his love for us in that while we still were sinners Christ died for us. 9 Much more surely then, now that we have been justified by his blood, will we be saved through him from the wrath of God. 10 For if while we were enemies, we were reconciled to God through the death of his Son, much more surely, having been reconciled, will we be saved by his life. 11 But more than that, we even boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

God knows what He is doing.  He hasn’t chosen you by accident.  He doesn’t think you are unworthy.  He knows you are a sinner.  He has seen you at your worst, at your darkest, at your most sinful and He wants you anyways.  He died on that cross for you and all your ugly sins.

He knows your heart.  He knows your goodness.  He is cheering you on to choose Him over the world and to spend eternity with Him.  Don’t let your insecurities and your depression keep you in the darkness.  Christ died on the cross for us so we could be reconciled to God even though we do not deserve it.  No one can take this away from you.  This isn’t a deal that’s going to be voided by your choices.  All you have to do is accept it.

I don’t feel beyond my darkness yet.  But in my darkness, I feel hope.  I know that God is with me.  I know that it will pass.  I know that I can counter all the lies that pop into my head with biblical truths.  I lean on the bible, I lean on writings from the saints and I lean on the sacraments.  I have to cling to these tools that our great Catholic church has given us.

I know I will come out the other side of this feeling stronger and more alive in my faith.  I know that God allows these doubts to occur, these temptations to pester me but I also know He has complete faith that I can overcome them.  That gives me hope and it gives me strength.  I want to make Him proud.

I want to run into His arms at the end of the day and rest in Him.

I invite you to do the same, no matter what you’re going through, no matter how unworthy you feel.  You are the daughter of a king and you are greatly loved.

Straighten your crown and go tackle your day with love!

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